Posts (page 2)

*Puts on beret and pompous voice*

(Like you never took me seriously)

Buduh Bump. Takah tak.

*Walks around with nose in the air*

(Like it wasn't always in the air)

Fly, Fly, Sit, Sit, Walk

*Don't forget the black rimmed specs*

(To see in spectrums of colour you hope that someone is on the other side, looking back. Colour is nothing. This comes from a colourblind. An indestructable with so many cracks and tears it makes you question the immortal. This immortal is just the other person looking back when you don't see eyes. See I can write things you don't understand too.)

So I finished cooking, finished watching "A Walk to Remember", finished bawling my eyes out, finished watching a two episode run of Fresh Prince, finished cleaning up after myself...and... thats it. Oh, finished eating. Finally.

Turns out Black Bean Burgers might possibly be the most delicious things on this earth. They are basically veggie burgers. But there are so many veggies in it. Its so filling though. It took me four hours to finish four.

But I did. I'm a champ :D

But anyways, I'm super bored right now. I think it is possible I finished all my "assigned duties" in this house. That is so weird. All I have to do now is goof off. Which is cool. I think I danced for an hour to dancehall music. I don't know though, I think the window was open so I was so embarassed that I blocked it from memory.

My grandma is off doing businessy things. Whatever those are. So I'm stuck here with no one to talk to. Well, Britney texted me a while ago, but thats texting. I wanna spend time with someone and goof off.

I'm in such a goofy mood. I wanna dance and sing to songs and dumb things. Oh well. I could go snoop around and see what magical things my grandmother has in this house... nah that would be rude.

DAMNIT.

So hallmark is hiring part time. Sweet! I'm totally down with a hallmark job. I'd never miss a holiday. People would call me the "holiday card SUPERHERO" but... my power would be an unlimited supply of cheesy holiday cards to disperse. Well. I think its cool.

Plus...

STUFFED ANIMALS. Which is awesome. Cause, I know a bunch of people who would love some stuffed animals. So thats great.

And you know, maybe a gift to me once and a while. I've kind of always wanted a 5 foot tall teddy bear to hug and talk ot when I'm lonely. Is that sad? O.o

Idc.

K so. I think I can now pop all my pimples without wanting to cry.

Good sign I think.

Who knows.

I wonder sometimes over the two sides of thought, the double ended fence that in turn makes a loopty loop around everything, making an infinite venn shape.

When I think back at Lisa, when I really try, I remember two things; Being so desperately confused, and being so desperately happy. I guess at the time those were the greatest and most noticeable feelings. There are a few specific things I remember, but they are insignificant and its a wonder why I remember them anyway. What amazes me, however, is how much she has changed. I guess that is what a new environment will do for you. I've moved around the country all of my life and I know I changed a little with each move. I couldn't even imagine the change that would come from moving out of the country. I hear its a good change. It seems like one. I can't tell if that simply means America, as far as society goes, is one of the worse places to live. Although it seems like haven to some countries I read about nowadays.

I know she thinks of me as a monster, or as she says, a shadow. I can't remember lying to her. I tried... I really did, to look back and try and deal with my inner demons. I remember being honest with her more than I was with anybody really, because I knew I wasn't going to lose her for good. No thats not right. I wasn't scared because I knew exactly when I was going to lose her. She sort of proved to me that honesty tends to hurt way worse than a lie. I think one of the main problems in the whole thing was that I did not think like she did...better yet, not as well as she did. I was not so in charge of what was going on deep inside me I knew why I did things, or if I was going to do something. So I could not tell her everything. Not immediately. I rather did things and hated myself as she ripped herself apart and I could not understand why. So I joined in. Maybe to understand, but I was so under her level of intellegence that it was ridiculous for me to try to gain equality. She was a 9, I was a 4.

Being compared to a guy who literally force-fed her his cock is a little unnerving however. We never did have sex, nor in any way did I degrade her in such a manner. What I did do however was not decieve her, but spend too much affection on her so that it needed an escape. No, I never did love her. That was one lie, but at the time I did not know it to be a lie. I knew I loved another, and that was the one lie I kept from her. How do you tell someone that you are with them so you can escape the pain of losing another? Its like using them I suppose, but it seemed to me the only way. Lisa was a perfect girl, in appearance, in thought. No matter what she thought of herself, and why not try the perfect girl to fall in love with if you can?

I guess that makes me wrong anyways. I knew I was wrong the moment I started to talk to Kelsea. Only, I did not think I was going to lose myself in the process. I had known that I had lost control with her once. That at that time it was not my fault, and no matter what anyone says, that incident was not my fault. I did not view myself as a cheater. I viewed myself as one who fucks up a lot. But on one day I declared in a silent kiss my title which will stand with me forever, in the name of love, and in the heart of confusion. I can't say I didn't feel badly. I did immediately try and tell Lisa. I cried and talked with my mom. I eventually tried to chop my wrists to bit because I didn't think I could live with myself being a "cheater". I spent my time away because I knew that it was not time for me to die. I was told that. I was taught that. I dealt with that. Now, just as it is with hitting a woman, in all my hypocrisy I can not stand to let myself cheat. I can not stand to see it happen.

I guess I am talking about these things because I never really have, at the least on a level head. I feel level right now. I feel like... explaining what had happened. I guess in my own words. Because I think both Lisa and Kelsea know I am not a monster. I am confused, lost, and trying, at least some part of me in their eyes, to be a better person. Their words no longer sink me deep into depression and confusion because I have established that idea. I have talked to people, therapists, strangers, friends, and they gave me advice on how to deal with their words, as they have learned to deal with mine.

As my point at the beginning, the fence goes in circles, indefinately, forever...It never splits two sides of the world, only gives the illusion. I deal with my regret and pain by justifying their actions over mine. They deal with their pain by justifying their actions as well. Maybe this is what it means to know you were wrong. If I even believe that. I can look as far as I can and still come up with a false answer. I can say now in all I think is honesty and say I was wrong.

But words are for toasters, and bread is for the mouth.

Do not ask me what that means. A bum told it to me. Made my day.

I read her bk today. Going back to it was never my intention, but I guess the constant mention of her, the constant thought, would eventually lead me there anyways. Its the only way I know she is even alive... that she is even doing okay. If she is happy or sad or anything in between, its all I can do to know. The urge to know has been a big priority for me in regards to her.

It seems she is reading my vox. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised, but it hit me hard. I couldn't deal with it alone, her reading all of my thoughts and hearing how I still obsess over her like a drug I can never drop, and my constantly changing ideas and all of my mess ups. I could not do that alone. I don't always have to be alone. I don't have to suffer at all. I can get help and I know that now.

So I call a friend and I talk to her. I did not cry or beg. I was not that far in. I didn't wait for that. I called and I dealt with it. It hurt. It still hurts. But I can put aside the feelings for now. I dealt with them best I could, and I did not do it alone. People are there to help me, as long as I am there to help them as well.

My life goal seems to be, however completely ignored by myself, is to find help. To escape my shell, my thoughts, my mind. My evil mind gored into logic and justice, the bigger things in life regardless of my own worth or power. It worries only on what it sees as right. It ran me, and to a part probably still does. I will not demolish my mind, or for more clarity, my left brain. It does a lot for my skills I appreciate, but holds a lot of the evil I used to think as unquestionably good. I thought I was wise and I could not be wrong for I had been through so much, and seen so many things.

But my heart, my beautiful heart, how I ignored it. I viewed it as selfish, for it only strived for my happiness, as to me, my mind strived for the greater good and justice I thought was heroic. My heart knows what I want, and I don't want to make the world even. I can try one step at a time but it can not consume me. I need to be happy. I can not suffer for that spreads like disease over everything I come into contact with. Happiness can do the same thing. All in all, my heart is the only thing left good in me. I embrace that. I listen to it. I do simple good, but no more is my opinion so much greater than that of others, regardless of how I think of them. No more am I too evolved to seek help. No more am I a victim of being a martyr.

My heart wants the only person it never could let go. I can forget anybody I wish. I forgot Lisa, Ashley, and any other girlfriends I've had. I've forgotten friends and family. I can forget the bad times. I can move past them, all the pain and hurt from missing them. There is only one person who I could not escape the pain of not having them, even if it was my fault they are gone. She was the only one I felt vulnerable with. The only one I could not forget. The only one who could understand why I was made this way. The only one who...tried. My distrust in the world, in people pushed me from her. Pushed me from accepting that she could be the one person in this world I could look to and not worry about the world. Someone who I, in every way, could be the best I could be for her. Instead I didn't. Instead, I live with this regret in knowing what could have been. That the lesson I learned from losing her for good was the lesson I needed to have her forever. I could have had her forever.

Oh god I could have had her forever. I could have had her forever. Someone I knew I didn't deserve but for some reason I had gotten her attention. Someone who could make me better than I thought capable of myself.

I could never ask for forgiveness. God no. I think we passed that kind of capability a long time ago. I have this fantasy, and maybe it is sick in its way. This fantasy is of me and her sitting at some table eating some kind of food laughing like we did, and her boyfriend comes and sits with us and its like nothing happened. My girlfriend, whoever it turns out to be, comes and its the same. We all laugh and joke, and we joke at how much angry things I have done and it becomes the past. We all are living and proud of each other. Me and Kelsea know each other like the greatest of friends, and we never needed sex or touching to have that. With the friends I have now, I've learned your lover doesn't have to be the only one to know you inside and out, that it doesn't have to be your girlfriend or boyfriend that you embrace when you need it. That friendship is a harder bond to break than an intimate relationship. I guess that is the problem here.

Its more than likely that me and her were never meant to date. In the intimate categories, we weren't all that compatible anyways. That seemed clear, with my pseudo-asexuality and her aversion to all things messy... But I love her. I know I have since I saw her suffering under the weight of Steven's obssesional love. I don't absolutely need to kiss her to love her. I can love her from afar. I can love her as a friend.

If that even becomes possible. I don't know how well I will continue with this feeling. Its like having a midget on my back that constantly reminds me of her when I start to forget. It is like I'm going crazy and the voices in my head keep yelling her name. Its like I'm in a burning building and everything but her name etched in the walls is wasting away. That no matter what I try, she is always there, in my dreams, my thoughts, my life. Even if in body she has drifted away forever like the seeds on an old dandelion, I still feel her.

I mean, why would you even think I moved from a job, a home, and a life to a place where I had none of those? I thought that maybe, just maybe, this feeling would turn into something worthwhile or better yet, go away. At the least it would tell me something. If I could be within a few miles of her and the feeling is exactly the same then it would not be her I loved. If I was within a few feet of her and the feeling is exactly the same then it would not be her I loved.

I wish that were the case. I've had oppurtunities to talk to her. In harris teeter I still hide my face and feel shame because I promised I wouldn't be there. I try not to, but there have been times it was necessary. She even walked right me and I ran away. My heart hurt so bad for days after. I look out the window of my trailer and maybe hope to see her car. When I do, I shut the shutters and retreat. Its hurt even worse and I don't know what to do.

The only thing I came up with, what my friends came up with, what my family came up with, was to change. To take that feeling, the pain, the hopelessness and do my best to turn into the man she wanted me to be. Take the fear and make it into pride. Take the arrogance and turn it into confidence. Take this love, and hold it because I'm told there will be another and I trust that. I'll hope for it. I have love left. I haven't found the one for me, but when I do I'll have all of this love inside me to feed her and make her happy like I've always really wanted. Maybe the first time will hurt, but it could never beat the hurt of shame.

Its not even pain anymore, as much as it is itching. Like a healing wound, and that is all this is.

I'm writing in my computer right now. Not on the internet. I'll sleep on the idea of posting it tomorrow, but my fear of saying the wrong thing when I tried not to worry about throughout this whole writing may overcome my need to express a pent up emotion.

Let it Go by Blue October just came on from shuffle. I suppose that will help my decision.

Maybe I just need to put this up. Not for her, or for anyone. Just for me. I'll let her read it but I feel this is honesty for me. I need to change for me, not her. She helped, and I know the greatest part of my life was when I met her. One part of changing is asking for help. Doing what my heart tells me to do. My heart tells me this is important to me. In a blog about me this needs to be at the top of the list. This is not blocked bullshit I forced myself to write. This is not even writing. This is not art. This is the pouring of need. There were few metaphors. There was no artistic input. In my mind there never was. Art, poetry...its been a way to express but conceal. Maybe I was too good at concealing and that made me good at art. Poetry and metaphors made me feel safe in that only I could know what I meant, and yet I was still telling the world...asking for help. I guess that is why she scared me so much. There have been a lot of maybes lately. I guess that is where my mind is. Teetering on maybe.

Our duties as human beings are indefinable. If there are duties at all. It is privelage we can do things with ourselves. Privelage we can choose the right or wrong path. For God's amusement I suppose, but we take that for granted I think. I think we choose the wrong path for excitement or out of fear, thinking we could get on the right one whenever we have had enough. Yet, the paths veer off far from each other at times, and then the curve right back close to each other again. You have to know when to jump off.

I think I got lucky. I think I am getting somewhere good. Even if I feel things I don't like... As Justin Furstenfeld says "Life is like a jump rope" and I'll bounce again someday.

Something I've learned recently is that any relationship worth having can not be cultivated over any form of technology. What I mean is, texting someone or calling someone is fine, only it will never beat the healing and excitement of talking face to face.

When texting someone you feel like you can say anything without consequences, even if you know better than that. Not only that, but you tend to misunderstand things, or mis say things... Phoning is better, I've found, but once an argument happens over the phone its hard for it to stop. I guess I've had a great fear of calling someone. I've never been the greatest conversationalist I suppose and it is awkward to me. The long silences just feel like I'm a dull person. Perhaps I am, but I love being able to talk with my hands and facial expressions. My sense of humor requires that a little too. That idea has gotten me into trouble plenty of times.

Lately a main concern of mine is making sure nobody is afraid to do anything around me. I hold back anger and frustration and replace it with humour and a feeling that I am easy going. I don't tend to get angry over normal things I guess and that tends to make people...uncomfortable to do anything lest they incur a temper tantrum. I think I've been doing okay, my friends thought of me as a lovable puppy that should be protected up until that fight I got into.

K so, this fight. Thats a good topic.

Billy started dating this girl of whom he met about three weeks ago, but two weeks ago, it came to light that she had never really broken up with her old boyfriend (for good reason, you will see) instead just stopped talking to him. While out with the two (Billy, his gf, and me) her old bf paid us a visit. Now he is ranting and raving and pulls her aside to talk to her. While this is going down me and billy hold back by the car and I watch, not really wanting to get involved. Not my business see.

But then, of course, he starts to push her. I almost go over there to set him straight but billy told me to wait and I did. Then he proceeds to basically drag her.

In my head I silently wondered if this is what I looked like.

So in a mixture of surprise guilt and anger I get over there and pull them apart. He starts throwing punches so I throw him. Thank you Judo. As he feels like an ass he just talks smack and walks off.

Now it seems Andy (billy's gf) is permanently indebted to me, although I've never asked her to make it up to me. Life goes on.

I'm not talking to billy much anymore; his lack of weed intake has made him a grumpy puss and he said something to me the other day that made me decide it was not worth being so close to him at this time. That sounds childish I know, but I'm only chisming us two because he is going through a rough time and I am too so we both don't need the extra weight of eachothers problems. He seems to be...agreeable to that fact.

Jimmy is off at college and only visits maybe twice a month. I don't see him much. As for those other friends, old friends, they have all gone away.

Now I'm surrounded by a new set. One straightedged transexual who is as scene as it gets. He is 23. A girl I used to date and we are very close. She is 20. A group of anime nerds who are so goofy it is impossible not to like them around. They range from 17 to 32... I know, lawl. And my current neighbors, a 25 or so year old couple.

I feel like I've moved again, further away I mean, like I did when I was a kid. I think about all the friends I've had in Pennsylvania, South Carolina, and I even remember some in Florida. Some of them I keep track of and talk to on rare occasions, and about 3 out of 10 of them are in jail, 5 of them are in a situation like I am, and 2 of them are untraceable. I think it is interesting. I sometimes wonder if I had that kind of influence on them, or maybe the sort of lives we were born in dictated our near future, and our willpower and hearts dictates our later lives, when we are able to recover from the hit our families left us.

Or maybe it was a coincidence... I dont know. I don't think there are coincidences but I've proven myself wrong once or twice.

 I might be getting a job at a park soon; a maintenence job. Basically I'll be mowing lawns, cleaning fountains, that sort of thing, for 14 bucks an hour and a min 20 hours a week. Good pay I suppose, and I am quite excited. My neighbor is the one who is trying to get me that job (he runs the habitat and greenary arboriteum in Tanglewood Park) and I'm grateful to him. I even made him a painting.

Oh, yeah, I'm into painting now. It seems so much easier than words. My grandmother thinks it is great and is getting me supplies. I do mostly emotional paintings, things that represent motion and emotion. For instance, the one I gave to my neighbor is a picture of a man and woman dancing, but rather than show the details of it, I show the motion. That is hard to explain. He thought it was good, and hung that bitch up in the foyer. Of course, I'm still a novice, so I doubt he is doing that for any reason but to make me feel good. Which, in my opinion, is still really nice.

So I had to kind of sneak on the computer today... My granny went to monroe and is going to be gone for a day. That gives me a little privacy and time to write what I want to write I guess. I'm bored as anything though. I guess I'll go clean the house and give the cat some superb lovins.

Live by your heart.

I have for a while now. Ever since I realized that its been my head thats been messing things up. I can't say I didn't really know that to begin with, only then I thought it made me emotionally superior. Yeah, its possible to be that dumb. I suppose yet again life is about lessons.

I've come to find that if you find yourself incapable of thinking for yourself (not meant in a terrible manner only I mean when you are so indecisive it drives you crazy) your friends are who you look towards. Now, listen to what they say, it will help your decision. They can not make it for you, but as I said above, LISTEN TO YOUR HEART.

I guess I've never gone away or moved on. I look towards the phone waiting for calls, I write things and delete them (I'm not talking paragraphs here...pages). I have nothing real to say. I just have my choices, my heart, and nothing else. I don't have anymore pretty words, or excuses or reasons. I know there is nothing I could say anyway. I could never get her to fall for me again, and I don't think I would want to anyway. I merely have to wait until maybe one day, when she is moved on and ready, or maybe not, for her to talk to me, if that will ever happen. I'll be waiting forever I suppose, and thats okay. As mentioned before, all these other relationships I keep trying just leave me bitter with the thought that 'I'm treating them so well, they tell me they are happy, but I couldn't do this shit before, with someone I actually cared about? What is wrong with me?' So I trudge on with the title of 'Unavailable" hoping I'll learn something from being alone...

I at least have confidence. Its not that I don't care. Its actual pride. Thats a new thought to me, but something someone said to me once "Its not about proving yourself all the time, its about being proud of the things you do" and I hold that to heart. I guess I've kind of gotten nicer, if not a little held back at times. I do have my explosions of anger but all they really involve is some kind of misguided text to the wrong person or something of the sort.

She is everywhere, and nowhere

And that is the way

uh huh

uh huh

she likes it.

After everything, this is what I find. How interesting.

My life just threw me up like some sushi with a virus, and I ended up in a haven. A haven of people who want me. People who I want. People I love. People I care about.

I'm living with my grandmother. How sad is that? I don't even care. Its not like it matters to anyone, and I'm not looking to date... not anymore. Not since I realized that until I completely forget that awaited person, every girl I meet is going to be compared to her. Thats not fun for both parties really.

But, I'm in the process of finding a job and I'm taking a long needed break from some people. Now if I could only either get back into contact with those who actually helped me in the past or simply forget them and find new ones...

Somebody yesterday told me that I changed. That I didn't seem so young anymore. That I was humble.

What an idiot.

I'll try to talk more later...now is a little hard considering. That seems to be a regular thing nowadays

All this unimaginative bullshit. Every story brings one plot. One meaning in different colours. Is a person more interesting if they have more stories? Or if they can make one event into a thousand stories?

I don't really care. The suffering thing is that I've spent around 90 percent of my life vying for attention. My excuse is that I'm not all that special, and I'm not all that impressive. I don't think I won an award for anything that was based solely on my own efforts. Sure I've won trophies but it could be said that is because of the rest of the team.

I'm used to being one-upped, but then again, I still hate it. Sometimes I want people to care what I say.

Wow this is whiny. Ah who cares. The only person I can actually remember caring more than an afterthought about what I said is gone, mostly because it made me uncomfortable that she did listen. That she cared. Just like now, when Justin- a new fascinating friend of mine- does nice things for me, it actually confuses me.

It took me until now, when another genuinely nice person comes along (not the first, when it counts) and blows my mind with overwhelming confidence.

People tend to learn a little too late. I'm no exception.

It does me no good now, all I've learned and accomplished in my head. Well I don't mean that... I'm sure I could really use it someday, but the important moments are gone now, and all that is left is the final countdown.

Lol.

I'm in denny's

And that makes me giggle.

FURIOUSLY.

I don't know what to say.

I guess I can start with this: I know I was a bad person. I can honestly say I knew it as a problem. I can also honestly say I knew it wasn't me, but had no will or any desire to change it. Now...well, now I am not sure what to do besides sit here and wait for the leftover anger and spite and mistakes are forgotten and tucked away forever.

I'm writing a book now. Or at least, I'm starting too. Its going to be a fiction, but the character is going to be based on me. I suppose if I am so good at lies, at the least I can write fiction.

Here is to summarize what I think I am going to do with it:

A mind and a heart are different. They want different things. One wants peace, the other doesn't care. One wants love, the other wants the perfect relationship. One cares about the big picture, one only cares of itself. You can guess which two are what. Neither is good nor evil in the macro sense... but in some cases, a person's mind can conflict so strongly with there heart, that it ruins both.

A boy falls in love. The mind falls apart. The mind can not accept reliance, or even understand passion. It can not trust because it has seen the bad end of trust. It can not feel or accept for humanity, because all it has seen with it's eye is the horror that comes from us as a persons. It hates all sentient creatures. It hates itself. The heart just wants to know that it is appreciated. The boy searched and searched for this love for years, as the mind sat back and did not care. Once the love appeared, the mind intervened. It introduced logic where logic should not be, and now, as the war is over between heart and mind, the mind stands both victorious and loser. The heart has had it's one true fulfillment ripped from its core and now the mind, the culprit, stands wounded as well, drowning in its own naivety.

If there is one lesson the boy learns is that indifference may be the worst evil of all. That fighting means nothing besides a begotten loser.

If there were nothing left for him then that would be okay because somebody learned something from this pyrrhic victory.