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You know, I can't really remember the last time I had fun. Anytime I really smiled because I couldn't help it, when nothing was funny. No, thats wrong. I remember smiling when I stared right into a beautiful girl's eyes, and she was staring back. It was because I just couldn't believe I was there, but I was, and I was inhaling every bit of it. Its all I ever needed from a relationship. All the other things just drove me crazy.

I guess I could say I've been depressed for a very long time. I mean, I could have fun, but not as much as I could when I was a kid. I remember being thrilled from flying a kite, or going to the park, or dressing up like a ninja, or even taking my imagination and a box of animal cards outside. Now, it takes a lot. I have to risk my life, my sanity, and/or my dignity to get a glimmer of what I once had. Now, I've been manic. But that was more a crazy need to drive on, rather than the fun I really wanted.

Maybe that is different now. I mean, who knows. I know my self esteem is no better than it was back when, but I can't say I torture myself or try and be a martyr like I did before when. Last night I went out with a guy from work, his gf, and a girl from work. All we did was sit at a coffee shop until 3 in the morning and they kicked us out.

We laughed and we talked, and we talked about ourselves and other people. I connected with them, and them with me. I felt...connected with the world. I was shivering and it was rather warm inside. I was shaking, but I hadn't had any caffeine or anything else but my own blood inside of me. I couldn't help but smile the whole time. They told me they have never seen me so happy. If only my friends and some old ones could have seen me.

It is a shame they can not. Maybe this is a new chapter for me. I don't remember being hurt by things that don't exist. At least not specifically. I remember that I used to all the time.

I have... so much respect for myself. Maybe that seems arrogant, but its true nonetheless. I'm surrounded by, nearly every day, by people constricted by their family, the society, and norms that I know it must be awful. I am able to reach outside of these things, despite what people think, and because of this, I've made friends. People that are interested in me. People that are fascinating, more fascinating than I have ever met. It gives me confidence. It lets me know that things will be alright.

Things will be alright.