Mutual
*sigh*
babbling mutual.
Sad thing is, in my head, not only can I pinpoint probably everything that happened, I can also pinpoint exactly what I was supposed to learn from it, but I have no idea what I have learned at all, because I have thought that before...but I have tendencies, it is in my nature: to run, to hide, to slash back.
Its funny, through the second time around with Kelsea, I seriously imagined being with her forever, that we would get through hell but I'd, well we would just be together. I even laid down the possibility that maybe it would just be as friends, but still, forever.
I...really liked the idea. Don't know what it was, but I believed it was possible. It is what allowed me to break up with her in the first place, no matter how stupid it sounded. I believed that if we didnt work as a relationship, then I wanted to jump into being friends as soon as possible so it wouldnt screw up. Meantime, during the cool off period, she was told from friends about some of the awful things I had down (looky here, tendencies), and started talking to Lisa, so it wasnt about being friends, it was about hating me for what I had done.
The first time around, all I can remember thinking about was "this is annoying me". The second time around, I actually, specifically remember thinking "Holy crap, I feel happy". I may have said it once or twice but it doesn't even compare to what it means to me to actually THINK it. I suppose that is my manipulative...or passive agressive side. Either way, it was getting to the point where I actually allowed myself to creep from the shadows.
For some reason, I am not scared of loving her forever. With the assumption I do love her (and I better, damnit, because I honestly don't want a stronger feeling then this) I know that I'll probably have to, and the next relationship I'll have to shove it aside for someone new. But, even though I sometimes revel in how I screwed things up, or how I (will) miss her, it is not a feeling I'm ready to toss away.
I don't think I would want to get back into a relationship with her though. I learned that much. Even from reading her vox thing, I won't do much in that way. I'll send her a message as this, but leave it up to her to read and talk to me. And I think that is all either of us are ready to do. Maybe just talk.
For a year. And I am being as serious as I can. Then the next year do the occasional hang out. Redo that 2 years we had beforehand of friendship, because frankly, it needs to be done.
I'm also okay with not hearing anything. Because a while ago I accepted that is was all over, gone, and never coming back. Its not making me cry, or even upset. Which, makes me feel pretty good.
"Let the line break, people, now it isn't about catching the biggest fish; it is about letting that wonderous creature come to us."
