Deep in the shallow end.
Oy, that hurts like hell.
Got my hopes up, only to be proven an idiot. Hah.
I even threw up a bunch, and I hate doing that.
Anyways, I got a giftcard to get some food, and soon Ill have gas money and will be heading to kville for a bit. Kinda looking forward to it, for I've been feelin kinda sick lately. Hopefully it is just where I am.
I relapsed lately when it comes to cigarrettes. At some point I figured it didn't matter anymore. But I'm gonna do it all over again, try to quit, and I still wont smoke pot anymore, and I won't drink to utter oblivion. So, I guess I'm doing right by myself for once...But who knows, maybe it isn't. The more I think it is right the more I doubt how much it is, so as I get in shape, I'm so much more succeptable to doing stupid things.
But I dont need some douchebag commenting something like "nobody gives a crap" because honestly, it is a waste of your time...unless you think it may get you some sex from somebody who hates me.
Then by all means, go ahead.
I've been sorta laying around for the past few days (I mean, I have nothing to do) and most of it is just sorta staring off somewhere...and it isn't because I am sick (or maybe it is, I have no idea) but because I just feel sorta...dead. When I watch a movie I don't laugh where I usually would, or the music I listen to, I just don't feel it like I did. It can't be depression because I've been in that cycle for probably over a month now, and that is beating every record yet that I've been in a funk.
I think I can play it off neatly though, when I hang around Jimmy, or talk on the phone. Lately it sort of crossed my mind that it really isn't that healthy to display how you feel to your friends. I mean sure, sometimes, but when they want to have fun, just try to have fun. I dunno, it feels like the longer you stay in a funk, the more it changes. My funks are usually mixed with panic attacks and other things similar, but this time, I just feel...dead. Absolutely no desire to do anything, except maybe write something.
I didn't think I would miss my mom so much. I mean, she is helping me out when it comes to living alone, so I talk to her every other day...but it felt really good to see her last saturday. She seems happy, and Dave seems happy, and once in my life it is a really good feeling to see that, instead of someone blaming you for all of their problems.
Wow, I tried to write something substantial, but it kept tangenting into really...stupid...things.
So goodnight. I wish you the best. Again.
A prayer is useless. Maybe not. It fooled me into believing a prayer came true, but then, it just hurt worse finding out it was false.
