By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy

Quit bitching and do something. It was said to me regardless of the action intended. Whether a knife on the arm or to the neck but it was all the same in the valley of the dead but I thought it was a street no see I learned nothing from the street, the burning haze of molten tar burning through my shoes, but there was plenty of life in the valley to absorb. In a world of crazies and drunks I turn out to be the one most sane, most sober, and all around going crazy because everyone thinks I am. Why is this about you? It was never about me. Like to you how I became a symbol of pain and monstrosity I am a symbol unto myself- working the ins and outs of another being far from myself. As I stop hurting myself I noticed others would do it for me. They would torture themselves as I did, but they only would start as I stopped. Maybe it was a correlation error but who knows, I noticed it quickly. Imagine being a totem pole of self mutilation and destruction and all who walks by and thinks it beautiful- understanding at first being a mighty pole of unthinkable greatness and beauty- bend down and kneel, thinking their sins are burning into my flesh, not theirs. Now when the totem falls and a new one stands erect- a one of effort, not worth- the pain is a real existence again.

Why are you picking on faith? Faith? There is no faith. There is obedience. There is the will to do what others want. I could never understand how I acted. How I act persay well you were quite a tool but that is beside all of that. What I wanted in someone was the simple uniqueness to brighten my day and the happiness with themselves to not need me  it is kind of hard to find someone different isn't it?  Yes of course, so I jumped the gun as it pointed at me, hoping that the latter was just blocked by some sort of immaturity.

So you wouldn't do it again? Nobody has asked me. Now if I were givin that oppurtunity, most certainly not. But I think I was anyways. I think there is some sort of circle out there turning and wheeling in an effort to tip the scales. Its hard to just think up an answer. It is easy to dream. You've been dreaming for years absolutely not. I've been living. I've been dreaming before and after that. I imagined pain as a worthwhile thing for the ultimate pleasures of love and comfort but reality is that sometimes it just is not. Sometimes it is. Sometimes only one person understands that while the other one runs away. Funny the cycles we rotate.

You're just caught up in yourself. Probably, but I don't mind. I have a lot of self worth than most people. Better put, I'm stable in my own self. I talk about it because nobody seems to really listen. I can't dote like I'd want to I don't believe. It isn't manly. It is apparently pitiful. Blaming myself isn't really as heroic as I thought, but it is such a deep dark habit that it doesn't matter anymore. Its a vice and a virtue but I think about nothing more than two things Yourself and how you affect others How I look and how they feel.

People complain just way too much. They need to stop. I knew I did it a lot as well and probably still do. I'm tired of hearing how bad someone's life is- how one person said this so now the other person is afraid to say that. You can not be the great downfall of others, but you can not be the downfall of yourself either.

Words are just words, noise is just noise- but what matters is what you think when those words and noises pass through your brain. Nothing can be held by their words, but as a thought... nobody can be blamed but yourself. So that is not the human way.

I'm tired. I don't seem to care enough to just say what I mean. Its not a battle I want to win and not one I see myself losing. Its hard, you know, to just be genuine with someone, when every time you let yourself free- all your wants needs and beliefs being the person you truly are- and all you get is a breakup or angry words and then more of those because now you are angry. You are hurt. You can't believe that you let it happen again.

You let it happen. You watched it, you idiot. You damned fucking idiot. I want to vow I won't be that stupid again. But I know how that felt when it mattered most. I was just scared, see? I wish you could see that. I was scared and angry. I wanted to be happy but had no idea where to go with that.

I'd do so many awful things, good things, and neutral things, just for an understanding.

Nobody wants to be a symbol. THAT guy.

A simple parting of the words leaves two halves of a whole split together to make nothing but dust and confusion. Now there is a story for your kids. The time of your life.

A grin in the dark with promised ambiguity smells fear of other people's thoughts. Much like the ambiguous speech so blatantly and hypocritically laid out for you here. I suppose its a matter of thinking- of what the world thinks of you or how you think of yourself. Some people are only blessed with one of those options and each one makes them beautiful in their own way. There are few I can stand to know which hold both dear.

A monster is born from an egg that has been incubating for years. He grows up in minutes and eats all the living material inside his home- his mother, his father, his maker. He understands just enough to pose as those beings; being clever only enough to fool the dull. He lunges out in fear of being hurt, or even worse, found out. His teeth clench noiselessly in the dark, fangs protruding at corners where it makes no sense. His eyes glimmering blindly in the forest.

A beautiful creature is only seen through the opposite- a horrifying death. Not only the death of a good thing, but the deaths of bad things. Good can come, in its most beautiful form, from the transmutation of evil.

Anyways, work has been hard. But its work. At least I'm not a loser anymore.

The world outside is crumbling, turning inside out with fear and hatred of it. No where to run. No where to wish away such dooms and despairs. Just the warm powerful touch of fingers through yours. The god inside the simple notion. No one is looking for it. Few care about it. Even fewer can understand it.

My car broke down yet again. This time I was in durham. So its still there, but I got a ride back home.

My therapist had given me a new list of things to do (saying I passed the last homework) but I'm not supposed to tell anyone what they are :(.

Lets just say- they are strange.

If I didn't have the awful interview right afterwards I would have said that day was pretty good. The session went well and I was gonna get some sleep (I had stayed up the night before).

Klondike says I'm ready for step two. At least I will be very soon. I get to do a rorshach (or however you spell the damn thing) test! You know, blobs and stuff. She says she will record the answers and after "step 2" is completed, which she says should take only a few weeks (its really preperation for the two year long step 3) she will do it again and show me my previous answers, and how they are different.

Step 2, if you haven't guessed, is dealing with my past. Forgiving, remembering, and understanding. Step 3 is probably getting over it altogether, I'm guessing. But I don't know. She won't tell me these steps until I get to them >O

Oh well. Good luck to me. I don't have the time or energy to say much else. So toodaloo!

So I am tired out of my skull. I've been up for a while now and I know I can't just sleep all day. Today I have to go job hunting and I have to go see my therapist (both of which take a lot of energy).

Speaking of Klondike, last time I saw her (I think it was two weeks ago, which is weird because we are usually bi-weekly, but I think she visited family. Or something. I think I should care more about it...) she gave me the task of thinking things through. That, while living in the present and being optimistic in the future, through every new step I take I take time away from it all and think it over; weighing pros and cons and things.

So far, I have no idea what I'm supposed to learn through this. I think I've made the same decisions I would have otherwise. I'm going to greenville for halloween, I won't meet her until a few months, I am consistently and diligently searching for work. Speaking of the latter I may get something tuesday at hanes mall. But who knows. I hope so.

The time to think has really put a burden on me. I'm very used to deciding immediately and stubbornly not changing my decision. I know that has done me no good but arguing. I'm much better on being flexible. But Klondike says its because I know how to detach myself from things so I don't care about the outcome. She says it stems from deep pessimism that is going to take a lot of work to help but that is our next step. The stress though builds up because now I keep seeing all these bad things that could happen and it scares the living shit out of me. I'm trying to stay in the present as much as I can, but my mind wants to start looking farther ahead and telling me what could go wrong.

I guess I'll find out today how I did. I get two hours with her today. We may or may not try hypnosis. Probably not because if I am too tired I just end up falling asleep (best. sleep. ever). But it should be... enlightening.

When I am this tired I feel so paranoid. I couldn't explain to anyone why. I just feel sensitive, vulnerable... I guess I'll bring it up today because it feels important. Or at the least, strong.

I mark this about two months without a good solid cry. I've dropped a tear for some movies but nothing like the crazy rocking back and forth stuff I'm used too. I've gotten emotional but I found ways to divert it. Like doing chores or working. Maybe hanging out with friends. I 'release the energy in positive ways'. So, maybe I'm making progress. If I did hypnosis it would tell me if I'm just suppressing it or if I'm actually getting rid of it.

Some friends said my biggest character flaw is being snobby (what is with these people talking about me all the damn time. Sure, I thought I would love it, the attention... now it just makes me anxious). So I've told them to point it out when I am and I'll work on it. I'll ask Klondike some ways to cut it back.

Oh man, could I use a hug. Someone to say 'its going to be alright. You are doing okay. For once, you are actually doing okay' but I know better. I'm only in the first stage. Once I get the the final stage I apparently won't even need people to say that. (three stages, apparently, to overcome my mood changes and maintain a stable life and personality).

My writers block is back. Only now it feels I can only write about myself, but I tend to do that anyways.

Truth be told? I write a lot of things. About people, about things. Some of it just seems so strange. I can point out the evils and beauties in something or someone and it just turns out...so creepy. I guess. I've written about Jimmy's personality and Britney's passion. Both of their faults. Billy plenty of times. Tigger. Cats. Dogs. Gracie. The tree in the front yard. A flower. You get it, I hope. I just don't feel as if those...are appropriate.
I'm so used to having this blog to myself that it just turns out about me (interestingly enough, while complaining about talking about myself I'm talking about myself) and especially now I know someone reads it I don't want to post the other writings. Those really belong in the "no one can read" pile like about a billion other random and pitiful things I write. Writing has helped me a lot, so I won't stop.

I'm scared about writing something else. I'm the only person I know absolutely for sure (and not even that) so its the only person I feel about writing. Someone else...? Well its hit and miss. I could say the perfect thing. Or something that doesn't matter. Or something insulting. I've done all three. I don't want to be reduced to unimaginative sobbing words or praising words. I guess it is unavoidable.

Snobbish. Yeah I can see that. I met my physical double. Rather, a better looking version of me. So, great. Its okay, I was never big on thinking I was hawt. I hold pride in me being average :D

I haven't written a post like this in a week or so. Its nice. I had to think about it xD. I think the pros outweigh the cons.

But then again, who knows? I guess its okay to fail every so often.

As long as you can get up again. Face the music. Walk on. Hold a big smile on your face. I'm damn near tired of dragging my feet.

Tallyho my good men!

I don't know what I'm going to write about. But I need to do something. So here it goes:

You are a symbol of what you preach
Not a hypocrit of what you teach
A lonely soldier
My heart goes with.

My mouth is charred by the lies
That pass through and flies
In the atmosphere full of hate
Of a wall to build, my love innate.

Completely vegan of eggs and flesh
My heart and her heart do not mesh
So I eat walls to find my bricks
Under a corner to fuel my tricks.

I will wait for plague and mold
In the grass of death I'm told
That will keep me there forever
Ne'er will move the fulcrum and lever.

Apart from sky and ground I lie
In the blades of failed goodbye
To a girl who ate my skin
To find the wonder- my wonder- within.

There is a beauty in the magical haze
That maybe one day, I'll let you gaze
Into my brain, through my heart
But right now, we must be apart.

An aura grows around the bone
The empty cases of the lone
Cell of blood that beats my soul
Down the waves you've been told.

My back I will lay, looking up
Only to avoid that throwing up
From moving rain and clouds
To shine the sun on my burial shroud.

I'll write into the sky
With fingers from where I lie
Hoping God will read the words
From my deep, dark absurds.

Face the music singing down at me-
The notes and chords I try to see
Because my ears lack what my eyes
Can do in a thousand tries.

I want to be told what I am
For I can not find my forum-
The regular buying and selling,
Justice and faith and telling.

I can see the good in the universe
But in space it lies, not in verse
Of preaching words and angry letters
From death-wished paranormal cutters.

My face changes every year-
You still can't see whats under here-
Ugly bone and broken muscle
From an old and very long tussle.

God will lean down and kiss you
Your light will shine right through
Broken bone and mangled chest
Then you can finally rest.

I can promise you that single wish
Think of it as my final kiss
Lying far away in my dying bed
Blinking away thoughts of what you said.

My final thought before I leave
My life I certainly intend to cleave
Right down the center only to believe
That no more can I bring fire to your leaves.

Oh pretty blue bird

You don't nest

You do not start a fire

In the dark moonlight

You wait for me to perspire

Some sort of sign I would try

You reach the branch

On my little dead tree.

You wait and stare

In a world of black debonair

Shining deeply in the light

Of a foreverlasting night.

There it is, shining in the white

My encrusted tomb

Deflecting all your light

Absorbing all of your blue.

Your friends and family

Don't come and visit you

My little blue bird.

Yet you can be blue

In a world you fit a little too soon.

My outlying twigs

Fall deeply into the ground

To become my roots

That is my sound falling.

I'll reach to breach

The heavens above

In my death and love

For you, my little blue bird

It becomes normal

Absolutely, utterly, strangely

Paranormal.

To find you can't grow

Years and years

I grow tall.

You stay small.

In life you grow tears.

Not for you, but for me

Oh darling can't you see?

You can not water

This dying tree.

Fly away little blue bird

Sing a better song.

My branches grow to knock you off.

The rub and poke you softly

Bearing in mind I love you

My little blue bird.

I can not hear you peep

Except maybe in my sleep.

In that thought let me rest.

Squash that little annoying pest.

While this dead tree still grows

It continues to show

That death can not let you grow

You reap what you sow.

You fly away to bring me seeds

Crying on them, to let them see

The light shining through

This old dead tree.

As they do not grow

From the lasting moonlight

A deadly rooster crows

You peep not in fear, or fright.

You ruffle your feathers

You puff out your chest.

My little blue bird-

This crow will put you to the test.

Fighting, dying, rebirth and back again.

Such is the story of such a sin

That a little blue bird

Would fight to be so cumbered.

When the good moon rests

I'll finally be caressed

By the life giving sun

For my life has not begun.

Dream Journal Star date 11-53-23

I'm lying awake in a classroom I normally sleep in. There are mirrors covering the blackboard. The teacher is an old woman with a long yard stick, yelling incoherent things and wapping the mirrors as if there were writing on them. I peer at the mirror, examining the insides. I see nobody but myself, except the classroom is full. My face is how I remember it- scarred and ugly. Mismatched and strange. Suddenly, people are staring at me. They are all saying I am beautiful. The teacher is gone. I ask where she went, but nobody will answer me. They just say "Wow, you are perfectly beautiful". I look back in the mirror, but all I see is an empty desk. I see the rest of the class, gaping at the empty desk in sheer horror. Faces start to warp into a strange shape resembling absolute terror and I can hear them screaming. There is no sound. I look around and there is a deafening silence. Everyone in the class looks the same. No, they look beautiful. Every one of them giving off this glow of perfection and pure beauty. I start noticing faces. I see Amanda. I see Ashley. I see Lisa. I see Kelsea. I see Brian. I see Michael. I see Billy. I see Jimmy. I see Katelyn. I see Caitlin. I see Brad. All of them, beautiful. They seem oblivious to this. They stare at me and seem to revere me. The mirror tells me a different story. It shows all of them dying in fear of the empty desk. The desk with something horrible I can not see.
I awaken.

Dream Journal Star date 11-54-23

I'm walking in the halls of Britney's school. I've only been here once but I remember every facet of it. I remember who was alumni of the year. I remember the crack in the wall. I just don't remember being alone. I see, at the end of the hall, where those double doors that make the loud noise, I see Britney standing in illumination. She looked wonderful. She was not looking at me. She was looking past me. She saw me, she just chose not to look. I walk toward her but nothing moves. I'm walking and nothing moves. She is just yards ahead. She smiles. She ignites me with her wonderous radience. I close my eyes and take a step. I'm now right next to her. She is looking right at me. She stares me right in the face. I feel fear. Not bad fear. Nervous fear. Here it is. Here it comes. I lean in for the kiss. I lean in and...
I awaken.

Dream Journal Star date 11-65-23

I'm walking on a bay, staring out into a beautiful orange sunset. I see you, just a few feet down staring out over the railing. In the low light you shine brighter than the sun. I walk toward you. I take you in my arms. Your gaze on this sight does not shift. I feel your waist and it is small. Your hand slips into mine. I smile. You smile. We watch the sun disappear into the sea. My arm around you. Your hand in mine.
I awaken.

11 Vanilla Twilight

Owl City

05 The Saltwater Room

Owl City

Dream Journal- Star date 11-02-46.

I'm sitting alone in a room that is simply just a white room with nothing inside of it. It feels like I'm in there forever, in a room with no doors or windows... If only I weren't so alone, I think. I cry and I scream but no sound or tears come out. After what seemed to me like a lifetime or two I finall look right beside me. There she is. She has been sitting there. I suddenly hear her crying. I suddenly feel her head on my shoulder. I reach over to hold her...

I awaken.

Dream Journal- Star date 11-03-46

I'm laying on the couch downstairs. Its kind of cold in here, so I snuggle in a blanket made of wool. I hear a knock so I answer the door.

I don't remember what happened next. I simply remember her head on my chest, and feeling like I could die and that would be alright. I remember leaning to kiss her...

I awaken.

Dream Journal- Star date 11-06-46

I'm holding her. The world burns around me. I'm crying but I'm not hurt. I'm happy. She burns to ashes in my hands.

I awaken

Dream Journal- Star date 11-14-46

I'm running through a burning building, her hand in mine, us racing to get to the finish line. The exit. Safety. She makes it. I don't.

I awaken.

Its been a long hard night.

Well its been a long hard week. I don't seem to be able to sleep very well- actually putting aside the creepy basement bugs or the early morning text messages. I wake up periodically- and my dreams are...well... strange. Actually scary dreams. Although they aren't that scary to me- even though I play them in my head I think they should be. I feel excited all throughout the dream- sort of reveling in the strangeness, and I get so disappointed when I awaken.

For example, in one very exciting dream:

I'm trudging through a Tree Life forest, noticin the Great Cabin that was constructed by the Great Tree, and there seemed to be people inside. This cabin was forbidden and I knew it could also be spies from the Water tribe. So I went inside. All was quiet. Suddenly there was a creak upstairs. I cautiously approached the noise until, a great loud thunder-like noise erupted right in front of me. The door burst open and there was the intruder: An ApeMan from the Forest tribe. He was riding what seemed to be a high powered lawn mower, but my question was answered as I ran back down the steps away from him. It was a wildlife destroyer. There seemed to have been two intruders, for now two were following me down the hillside. I jumped on top of a dead tree stump awaiting them to catch up. I was going to take them on. They met the stump and instead of being frustrated like I expected, they cackled merrily. I could not understand their language but they pointed at me and laughed. I felt stupid. Then their lawn mowers basically crawled up the tree, straight at me! I gripped my staff (yes I have a staff now) and awaited them...

but then I woke up. I was pissed! Btw, I'm pretty sure I was some kind of monkey, or baboon. Although, I'm not saying that for certain.

I've been sleeping for 12 hours at a time (not altogether, maybe about 3 hours before I wake up and then fall back asleep) and I still feel tired a lot. My grandma just thinks I'm lazy >.<

I think today I am going to re-stain the porch. Thats one of my jobs set up for me to do. I'll try and see if I can get spending money out of it. :D

prolly not.

Oh man I live a sad life.

So today I get to wait for the heat guy. Which is lame because I ended up staying up really late because well... I couldn't get to sleep >.< So I'm groggy, grumpy, sleepy, and I wanna go back to bed!

But I guess I get like four hours of free time for the computer so its not too bad.

So my car may just be back in action- if only my mom would call me back. I need the insurance information to get my tags. She has the info. When I get it back in action... I'm not going to believe it. After a ruined fuel system, two slashed tires, stolen tags, its finally going to be back. I missed my Kante.

Its been bothering me a lot lately. My lack of good luck in general. I try and be grateful and hope for the best, but things like my car keep happening and it is one of the most aggrivating things to deal with. I think I had good luck once, but then again, all in all, I don't believe in luck.

I truly believe that bad things just happen to me. That I have so much bad karma, or maybe, I'm a symbolic Job and in a conflict that has nothing to do with me or my plane of existence. Thank hypnosis for that knowledge.

I suppose I should go and fix some cereal... but I got morning gas. So my tummy hurts too >.<

Btw I'm going to be using that face a lot. It pretty much sums up how I feel right now.

>.<

I don't even have anything to write. Its more or less me just yappin because I need something to keep my head falling to the desk. This really fast paced techno is working... but mostly because its annoying the crap out of me.

I wish I had some of my music on here so I could post it. There is a lot of new music I wish to share, but I suppose that is just going to wait. There are some lyrics though, I think is worth posting: